Vanish…

Today’s The Daily Post one-word prompt is vanish. Once again they managed to have a word that fits the post I was intending to write. 

I’m actually planning to apologize a little here. You see, it’s that time of year again. It’s the time of year that my birthday rolls around. With my birthday comes the anniversary of my accident. 20 years this year. And, of course, this also means Christmas is coming.

Why does all this lead to an apology? And what does it have to do with today’s one-word prompt? I tend to vanish around the holidays. I retreat inside of myself. I don’t mean to do it. I am apologizing because I know that I have not been posting much lately. I am apologizing because as we get deeper into the season, I may find it harder to post. I am apologizing in advance just in case I disappear.

Maybe I suffer from some sort of holiday depression. Maybe I struggle with the fact that after my accident everyone vanished from my life, including my family. I wish I could just skip the holidays. I wish that I was a bear. Then, I could just hibernate until the winter has passed. I’m not a fan of the cold, anyways. This southern gal doesn’t do well in these northern temperatures.

Add in the fact that there is a lot going on in the Higgins’ household right now. We are still struggling to find our groove with the homeschooling. I hadn’t planned on homeschooling anymore. I hadn’t planned on having to divide my attention between teaching and working. I had planned on how to manage working from home while doing all the chores that come with being a stay at home mom and all the day to day stuff that is just the nature of living. Plus, we have various things happening that I just don’t know how to prepare for or handle.

But, they say that knowing is half the battle. I know that I shrink inside of myself in the month of December. I know that I don’t tend to post to Facebook or interact with my friends as often. I know that I try to play turtle through this longest month of the year. I know that I miss my grandmother terribly as the holidays roll around. I know that this year, my husband will struggle through his first Christmas without his grandmother. I remember how hard that first Christmas was for me.

This is why, I am apologizing in advance if my posts slow down. I apologize for the fact that many of my posts will be impersonal. I struggle through the way this holiday season makes me feel. I agonize over the days. I cry a lot. I am extremely quiet here at home. It’s some kind of defense mechanism, I think. I retreat from that which brings me so much pain. And this time of year is excruciatingly painful.

Bear with me. I will be here when I can. I will try to open up more. Every year I say this. Some years, I am successful.

I hope that all of you are having a great holiday season full of love and joy and laughter.

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