I’m so exhausted these days. I feel like I am burning my candle from both ends, and it is burning up fast. It’s not that I’m really doing anything different. It’s not like I’m doing more than usual or anything harder than usual.
But my poor daughter
She is just having a hard time. She’s still struggling with the loss of her Granny. Granny loved that little girl. They spent a lot of time together, and they spent even more time when we lived there while I was caring for her.
Then, she went back to school for the first time after having been homeschooled for a year and a half after receiving home bound services before that. This girl’s life has been tossed in the air and the pieces have been landing all willy nilly wherever they may.
Only One Week into School
We found out that we would no longer have a place to live shortly after she went back to school. We frantically began scrambling for a plan. A long loved friend of mine took pity on us and opened her home to us. We are eternally grateful for her kindness.
But poor little girl after only five days of school she is ripped from her Granny’s home, where she’d spent Granny’s last days with her. We moved her across the state after a few hour drive. We took her away from all she’s known in her short life.
Starting over is hard. New place, new rules, new surroundings, and even new people (strangers). These changes are difficult for everyone. We adapt. We have no choice. Me personally, I’m loving it here. It’s beautiful. It’s peaceful. I can build a life here, make this home.
But poor little girl is having the hardest of times. Imagine all these changes, and they just keep coming and coming. Now imagine you suffer from Generalized Anxiety Disorder. Imagine how much more difficult it would be to adapt to all of these changes.
Burning Both Ends
I wish I could help her. I’m there. I’m listening. I’m talking. I’m trying to help her adapt. Help her through all of these changes. I’m doing all this knowing that there are still more changes coming. Knowing that we are working towards our own home. Knowing that we cannot just stay here forever.
So, I stay up late at night. I worry over how to build a life up here, I worry over articles to write or edit. I worry over proposals that need to be finished. But mostly, I worry about her. I worry that she’s not taking all this change so well. I worry that she’s getting into fights on the bus.
Then all day while she’s at school I worry how she’s getting along. I worry if she’s handling her anxiety appropriately. I worry about how the grown ups are treating her. I worry how the kids are treating her.
And all the while, I’m working. Finding more and more content to write. Picking up more and more jobs. Building proposals. Worrying over the things I have no control over. Worrying about the things I do. Burning both ends of the candle. Burning myself out.
This weekend I vow to sleep. I’m going to take some time for me. Because I cannot fall apart. I don’t have time to break down. Feels like while things are falling into place at work, they’re falling apart at home.